Shadowless Joy – I overcome abusive childhood by LuRain Penny :: 1

Miss Penny ala Schiele copy

My friends,

I was born in Shadowless Joy.

Danced out of the womb.

They pulled me into the World – slapped my butt to get me breathing – I burst out laughing.

From the get could see all the molecules twinkling.

My first memory is standing up in my rickety crib watching my Mama and Granma arguing.

Weren’t more than a year I’m sure.

Words came natural – whole sentences even before I could speak.

Stretched my leg out through the bars spreading my toes as wide as possible – said loudly in my mind –

Look what I can do!

Baby knew the moment.

So proud.

They didn’t notice.

*

First time Mama hit me in the head was not long after.

Smacked her hard fist against my tiny ear.

Little hearing there still.

Had never cried until then – Mama later told me.

It creeped her out.

She wanted to teach me life was pain.

She did.

A shock it must have been – that severing umbilical a second time.

Joy dissolved in a flood of guilt.

My light filled with shadows.

*

My Mama was an accidental parent.

She was not ready nor willing to assume no responsibility for a young one.

She used to say I hate kids.

Meant it.

Neglected me mostly- always off living her sorry ass existence – doing her best to forget.

That left me to the tender mercies of my Granma Pen.

more ferocious woman.

Fiercely strict Catholic of the sinner be damned school of thinking.

She believed the punishment should fit the crime.

Found me playing with matches as children do –

burned every one of my fingers.

 I talked mouthy – I got scrubbed out with a brush.

Two favorite implements – a razor strap and the rose switch.

The first belonged to my Grandpa Lucky.

He died before I was born.

It were an inch thick. Had a metal clasp at the end.

Pen beat me with this – using the metal end against naked skin.

She took me to the park around the corner.

Rose bushes growing there.

Had to pick my own length of stalk.

She took final approval.

 Not enough thorns on it  – I chose again.

Strip all the leaves off  – bend it a few times to limber –

 whip the flesh off of my legs till I  barely walk.

One time – yanked my underpants down.

Scratched a line from spine to bottom with the tip of a wire hanger.

Never  knew how I deserved that.

*

When I lived at the Wheaters – such punishment stopped.

Damage  done.

Since it all begun those two women said I was worthless.

Worst person in the world – would end up in jail and Hell.

Screamed I was nothing –  ugly  –  nobody liked me.

Scientists discovered persons beaten to evil words  – suffer more destruction to their DNA  – than those physically tortured alone.

Knee high to a grasshopper I hated myself.

Bent myself on self destruction – pretty much went that way from there.

Didn’t deserve to live.

*

Became an alcoholic the first time I tasted likker.

Not only was it inherited biology  – I at once grasped comfort in Oblivion.

Too bad  from the first sip to Oblivion is a long trip.

Involving stupid – risky things one feels deep black guilt over sober.

Way out is to go back to Oblivion fast.

Cycle repeats.

Spirit, Mind and Body totally confused.

Wore out  – hanging on to Reality by thinnest thread.

Don’t want to get into the terrible things I done to myself.

Suffice to say – it would curl your hairs.

Lucky to be here.

*

 I an old woman.

Still  healing over what happened to me to make me the way I became.

Now – this is the most important thing – I love who I am.

Forgiven my past and those who trespassed against me.

Changed my behaviour –  my attitude –  I believe my very DNA.

How did this happen?

1. Tenacious Will.

Kept me alive where others would perish.

Refused to believe couldn’t get better no matter how bad I got.

2. Religious Experience lasting 20 years.

 Drug induced – profound none the less.

Shot past Oblivion to deep Universe.

Shown the Nature of Everything.

Nothing ever dies just changes into something else.

Everything is moving

 It All Energy.

Molecules dancing again.

 Shadowless Joy.

*

Love,

LuRain

x

-lp(c)10-

artwork by codifyer

2010

~^~

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10 thoughts on “Shadowless Joy – I overcome abusive childhood by LuRain Penny :: 1

  1. Hi LuRain;

    I like the new look of your blog :)

    You have a way with words, describing your past and life.

    I knew you were in the arts but had for some reason connected you more to acting (must be a mental thing on my part, like Alzheimer’s :) ) and I read the previous post about writing songs and being a torch singer.

    People who have suffered pain, grief, sadness, joy and laughter in full honesty, such as yourself are best able to articulate their emotions and thoughts through the arts.
    I like this new blog LuRain and I will be back, sorry it took so long.

  2. Writing is singing without music. Even sad stories got a tune in them. ;~)

    Always glad to have you stop by, my friend. I miss you when I don’t hear from you.

    I see you got a streak going – keep it up!
    You make us all think.
    Love,
    LuRain
    x

  3. Hello !! :)
    My name is Piter Kokoniz. Only want to tell, that your posts are really interesting
    And want to ask you: is this blog your hobby?
    Sorry for my bad english:)
    Thank you:)
    Your Piter Kokoniz, from Latvia

  4. Thanks for your comment, Piter.
    This blog is not my hobby – it is my life.
    Hope you are not spam.
    And that all is well in Latvia.
    Love,
    LuRain
    x

  5. Well said my dear, like a prayer to the ears who need to hear. Glad I stumbled here! Blessings!

  6. Kindergarten terrorism 101
    Socking the kid til the stuffings run
    All the hours you waste attacking me
    Would be better spent in therapy
    Love,
    LuRain
    x

  7. I thank you. I thank you for your truths, your words and your song. Your breath is a beacon for all that is in life and to those who suffer silently. Your humor is a guiding hand and this world, my world, would be less without this gift of you and yours.

    Favorite, how I would like to meet the previous poster if only on these internets to help cure what ails them. I do know therapy that may help ;)

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