Anniversaries give us the chance for reflection.
This is a re-post from 4 years ago, when first heard the news of the passing of Heath Ledger.
I have not had a relapse since.
I have been suffering the mother of all hang overs.
It has lasted much longer than need be because it was accompanied by a spiralling guilt,
that threatened to send me back down the black hole of my emotional well.
Depression is so comfortable.
The news today of the death of Heath Ledger catapulted me out of my self indulgent malaise.
Condolences especially to his dear child, who will live with his loss for her lifetime.
He was a bright spirit, whose performances were always complex and heart-felt.
Accident or incident, his passing is a tragic twist of fate that gives all us survivors pause.
I cannot count the number of times I might have stepped off for good, during my reckless careen through life.
I am a lucky penny to still be here, after all the chances I took.
When I give up cigarettes on the 24th of December, I rode high on my resolve.
Smug in my strength of character.
Pride before the Fall has often been my problem.
The lady I live with and I went to an after New Year Party a week or so ago.
I had my usual Pink Likker supply. It was drunk up quick.
Must have been a Full Moon.
There was my old room-mate, Jack Daniels.
He moved back in.
I wheeled my chair to the buffet table.
Surreptiously managed to swallow off a sizable amount of his good cheer before anyone noticed.
Then I started smoking.
You can’t have one without the other.
Having none of my own, I retrieved stubbed out butts and lit up without care or conscience.
There were times in my life, I dug through garbage in search of a drag.
During the Second Big War, puffed shag tobacco rolled in newpaper.
I come right back where I started.
By the time the lady I lived with figured out what had happened, I was well away.
Fortunately, she got me out before I made an ass of myself.
On the drive home, I threw up out the window of the car when I could make it.
In my lap when I could not.
Took the paint right off the car door.
Daniels always fucked my guts up.
Since then I have been so ashamed, I barely stirred myself from my chaise.
How could I resume my pontificating after such a tumble from grace?
Switching on the t.v. this afternoon, the sweet smiling face of Mr. Ledger, and the bad news.
Somehow, I have lived through all my mistakes.
I am still around inspite of everything I have done.
I am not Jeffrey Dahmer.
My crimes are not against others, I hurt myself.
I am a great fool, sometimes a weakling, but no danger.
One lesson I learned is that anything can happen to anyone at anytime or place.
Life is a crap shoot. We all grist for the mill.
I have risen this evening to write to you, confess my faults and move on.
Life’s a bitch, and then you start over.
I’m back on the wagon again.
Epitaph for Mr. Ledger –
No more to view the evening sky
Or hear my baby daughter cry
For every action we must pay
Who would have guessed
I’d end this way.
Bless him & all those who go without saying goodbye.
Take care out there.
artwork by codifyer